So excited to finally leave the ward with permission. I actually hate it there. But I only have a couple of hours and I have to go back. And its so hard resisting the urge to take in a blade or some shoe laces. I really don’t want to mess this up, but its so so hard. I literally spend everyday trying to find news ways of hurting myself. They’ve risk accessed so many things that the unit is more like a prison. I just want to get out. But that means I have to accept all their poison and stop kicking off. Its been a week since I was last restrained, which feels like ages. But it was so much worse than normal.
And they nearly injected me again. For the third time. Didn’t exactly help that I tried to grab the needle and stab myself, but its not all my fault. I only have 6 days left on my section. and I’m pretty sure they’ll put me on a section 3 afterwards. The longer I stay there, the worse I’m getting. It all sucks.
Missing tumblr so much! Such a rare opportunity to go online here. Especially with all the drama, like breaking out of the unit and having a showdown with the police in the middle of the road. Least life isn’t boring. I can’t handle it though. Detox for all my addictions, can’t even purge anymore because they keep putting me on one to one. I hate this.
Cut three times today, barely avoiding sticthes. Barely ate and purging constantly. Lost like nearly a stone already. They keep putting me on one on one. There is not way out. I hate it here. Thought hospital was meant to help.
I’m only two days into my section. 26 days to go under section two. I never thought they’d actually section me, it was only ever threats. But here I am in an adolescent unit, far from home because it was the only bed availavlble. I’ve barely been here 2days and I have already had two breakdowns and picked up some bad habits. My room is escessively organised, I’ve cut and purged and lost a dress size. Dehydrated and starving but I have no other control here. I just really want to die.
But I guess they gathered that when I walked in front of a car. Such stupidity.
I don’t know how much more of Camhs I can take. After yet another awful day I had an urgent appointment with dr bailey and Faye. Boy was that fun.
I kept telling them that I didn’t want to work with them at all and I won’t go into hospital, but they won’t listen. Instead they up the dose of my sleeping pills and give me tranquillisers and start picking the next anti-depressant. And now I have to see them both everyday, and talk to the inpatient consultant about the day program. At least I wasn’t sectioned though, because my interfering head of year has been doing everything possible to make it happen.
I really don’t want to go into school tomorrow, but I know I’ll at least get a kick out of beardsley’s shock when she sees me walking free. Surprise bitch.